believe.move.become.

Life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation.

Time to be honest

on September 25, 2012

I hadn’t exactly been avoiding Heather, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to say.  I was not sure what I was willing to admit, and I didn’t know how any of it would make sense to her.  I decided to send her an email letting her know what I was struggling to overcome and that I felt like I needed to reevaluate my goals and put some stuff into perspective for myself, (leaving out some important details.)

I had a five year roller coaster of a relationship with a man that ended a year ago today.  Except it never really ended, we just haven’t seen each other in a year.  We live in the same town and see each other in passing, but there was no closure for me and I have been racking my brain about what could possible be stressing me out.  This relationship was not healthy and it was a cause of extreme anxiety for me, potentially still wreaking havoc on my life.  I have come a long way, have a long way to go and I am willing to admit today was tough for me.

In a lot of ways my fitness journey started by trying to occupy my time with something other then thinking about why this relationship didn’t work out the way I thought that it would.  I needed to put myself first in my life, because for so many years I had waited for this person to put me first in theirs.  I mean there are a thousand reasons to workout, but I needed to change my life and this seemed to fit.  I am still trying to put the past behind me and realize that I don’t need a person in my life who doesn’t have time for me in their life.  I wanted to be so busy that if he did I have time for me I would already have plans, plans with my workout!!  I want to be stronger then I am, I want to be better then the girl who wasn’t enough, and I want him to see me and regret the choices that he made.  So there it is, I can say I am doing it for health, or to control my blood pressure, but the real reason I want to change is because I am hurt.  I feel like if every part of me is that much stronger, my heart will be too, strong enough to stop hurting, strong enough to let someone new into our lives.

So I got my leg workout in and was on the elliptical when Heather came to chat.  Natalie had finished up Tae Kwan Do and was watching TV outside of the express room while I finished up my cardio so we could get home.  Heather and I chatted, I am sure the above did bit of info will shed light on our conversation, since I omitted it while we were talking.  She is really great about listening and trying to process what is going on without trying to come up with a course of action on the spot.  I felt better and knew that I had work to do.  I have some of my own walls that I needed to break down to get back on track.  I needed to break down and ask myself why this is for me and get to a place where I can move forward.  I feel like I am working on it.  I need to stop using my busy life as a crutch and do it because I deserve to achieve the things that are important to me.

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