believe.move.become.

Life is a journey, not so much to a destination, but a transformation.

Time to be honest

I hadn’t exactly been avoiding Heather, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to say.  I was not sure what I was willing to admit, and I didn’t know how any of it would make sense to her.  I decided to send her an email letting her know what I was struggling to overcome and that I felt like I needed to reevaluate my goals and put some stuff into perspective for myself, (leaving out some important details.)

I had a five year roller coaster of a relationship with a man that ended a year ago today.  Except it never really ended, we just haven’t seen each other in a year.  We live in the same town and see each other in passing, but there was no closure for me and I have been racking my brain about what could possible be stressing me out.  This relationship was not healthy and it was a cause of extreme anxiety for me, potentially still wreaking havoc on my life.  I have come a long way, have a long way to go and I am willing to admit today was tough for me.

In a lot of ways my fitness journey started by trying to occupy my time with something other then thinking about why this relationship didn’t work out the way I thought that it would.  I needed to put myself first in my life, because for so many years I had waited for this person to put me first in theirs.  I mean there are a thousand reasons to workout, but I needed to change my life and this seemed to fit.  I am still trying to put the past behind me and realize that I don’t need a person in my life who doesn’t have time for me in their life.  I wanted to be so busy that if he did I have time for me I would already have plans, plans with my workout!!  I want to be stronger then I am, I want to be better then the girl who wasn’t enough, and I want him to see me and regret the choices that he made.  So there it is, I can say I am doing it for health, or to control my blood pressure, but the real reason I want to change is because I am hurt.  I feel like if every part of me is that much stronger, my heart will be too, strong enough to stop hurting, strong enough to let someone new into our lives.

So I got my leg workout in and was on the elliptical when Heather came to chat.  Natalie had finished up Tae Kwan Do and was watching TV outside of the express room while I finished up my cardio so we could get home.  Heather and I chatted, I am sure the above did bit of info will shed light on our conversation, since I omitted it while we were talking.  She is really great about listening and trying to process what is going on without trying to come up with a course of action on the spot.  I felt better and knew that I had work to do.  I have some of my own walls that I needed to break down to get back on track.  I needed to break down and ask myself why this is for me and get to a place where I can move forward.  I feel like I am working on it.  I need to stop using my busy life as a crutch and do it because I deserve to achieve the things that are important to me.

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A nice weekend and then into the work week

Sunday one of my many cousins was married and although it was a very nice day, it really screws up my entire weekend to spend all day Saturday at cheering and all day Sunday at a wedding.  I was looking forward to the new week after Saturday’s weigh in.  I realize now why I wanted to forget about Saturday’s workout and that is because when I got on the scale my weight had gone up 5.8lbs.  I mean really what did I do that caused me to gain 3 lbs of fat last week.  Heather had the most puzzled look on her face and I was feeling pretty defeated.  My week wasn’t great, but I wouldn’t ever have imagined almost 6lbs.  I did okay with my eating at the wedding and since it was on a Sunday night I didn’t really drink anything.  We were home by 9 o’clock and I was ready to give my journey some real thought.

Monday I packed my lunch and headed to work for the day with Natalie in tow.  We had dentist appointments, so it is easier for me to bring her to work with me for the day then to spend the day driving back and forth from Portsmouth to Rochester!!  I feel like there is never a dull moment, never a down time, always something occupying my mind.  We got home from work and after I fed her and got her ready for cheering practice, I was ready to get to my workout and see what I could accomplish this week.  Heather emailed me wondering what my game plan for this week was going to be and to be honest I was a little lost on where to go from where I was.

The workout on the hill was tough, and I let someone borrow my 15lb weights so I was committed to my 20’s for the entire workout.  I feel like I need to be committed to my 20lb weights from now on.

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Every workout has a purpose

My morning didn’t go the way that I had planned, so I decided to head to the gym and get a workout in.  After doing a few laps on the indoor tack at the gym I decided to spend an hour doing a yoga class.  Let me just say when Jen Lake walked out of the yoga studio you would have thought she saw a ghost.  I think she was a bit surprised to see me at a yoga class.

My body was sore and I really felt like I needed to stretch and spend some time trying to figure some stuff out.  Apparently stress can really wreck havoc on your body and pretty much sabotage your fitness goals.  After an hour of yoga in a controlled environment I was feeling pretty good.  I do much better with yoga when it isn’t buggy, or noisy, or smelly.  I actually enjoyed myself and to be honest yoga is a pretty decent work out.  I mean it isn’t lifting weights, but it challenges almost even muscle in my body when you do what the instructor asks.  If i had more time in my day I would make time for some yoga, but gosh when can I fit that in?  Maybe if I get to the gym early on Fridays and get my lifting done, I can get to yoga before i have to be at work?  Hmmm.. just a thought

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Reflection in the mirror

So I had committed to getting myself to the gym to workout on Thursday night.  What I am willing to admit, on Thursday I am exhausted.  I don’t know what it is about Thursday, but Natalie and I are go go go and Thursday becomes the night we crash.  I think for all of both our sakes Thursday needs to remain my day to rest.  I started to spend some time thinking about my WHY and what seems to be the hurdle I am having a hard time surpassing, and I have realized at least one thing.  I keep saying the same thing over and over again in my head and it is the road block that I need help pushing through.

9 months ago I never worked out, 9 months ago I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and never thought twice about what was going into my mouth.  I feel like in the past 9 months I have changed a lot.  I make way better choices then I used to, I don’t eat out as much, I don’t drink as often as I used to, and I exercise way more then I ever did.  It is a road block for me because although I know my body has changed, it isn’t enough for me.  I feel like I put in the time and can’t seem to figure it out.  I am the type of person who will read about diets and lifting and how to get where I want to be.  I will try to figure out a realistic weight and body fat for my body type to keep my goals realistic.  I will wear my heart rate monitor and journal my food and I can’t seem to be consistent at all.  I want to be successful and I want to look at myself and say wow, I did this it was all me and I am not there yet.  I need to wrap my head around the idea that yes I am working hard, but I am going to need to work harder, I am going to need to eat cleaner, and I am going to have to prove to myself that I will figure this out and I will see the reflection in the mirror I am looking for, as will you.

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No struggle….no progress

Hmmm…great cardio burn….but are you eating enough calories to support that burn?  Seriously, could there be anything else that I need to consider in this equation?  Trying to stay positive, but feel like I have never sucked at anything quite as bad as I seem to suck at this mystery known as fitness.

So tonight was kick boxing at the hill.  I was feeling pretty good still and I didn’t feel too much like I had over done it at the gym on Tuesday.  As a group we were all doing pretty good.  You can tell Heather loves to teach kick boxing, because she gets really into it.  Well we were into our combination sets and I missed a direction and screwed everyone up and needless to say….Heather was not a fan.

So you have a crappy day.  You start off really proud of what you accomplished the day before only to question if it was a good choice.  So you get yourself to class and it doesn’t go the way you thought.  I am pretty particular about a lot of things in my life.  I may be a bit of a know it all.  There are a lot of reasons that I am single, and there is a fitness hurdle I can’t seem to get over. Heather gives us these exercises about setting goals and figuring out why you want to accomplish your goal and revisiting your why.  I really need to take a look at my WHY and decide if I am being honest with myself.

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Killin’ It

Twice a month on Tuesday’s I can get myself to the gym by 4:30 and I am destin to get a great workout in.  So I changed my clothes and set the elliptical to fat burn mode and did my two miles.  I then grabbed the 25lb weights and the 18 inch step and started in on my leg workout.  I was committed to getting the bulk of my lifting out of the way before Natalie got out of Tae Kwan Do and I got 3 out of 4 sets done.  I then picked Natalie up and shuffled her down to swimming and headed upstairs to find Heather and find out how to do single leg squats.  I polished off my sets on each leg and had already burned 600 calories.  I knew I wanted to go to HIIT to see how class would be with Mira teaching, so I headed back downstairs and did 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then stretched until HIIT started.

HIIT was intense I only stayed for the first part of the class and my final calorie count for the night was 1025 calories burned.  I got Natalie from the pool and headed home to cook dinner.  I felt pretty good about what I had accomplished and my body was tired , but not overly sore.

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Another Week another Workout

Monday I am always back on track, if only I could keep it together for 6 days instead of 4 that would be awesome. Monday my eating is back on track and I am ready to get my workout in.  I lost weight last week and my body fat went down, but I didn’t eat enough.  So I have to focus more on my protein and lift more weights I guess.  I feel like I am happy when my weight goes down, but then it is the wrong kind of weight.  I feel like at this point I should have this figured out, but I don’t.  So this week I am going to make sure I get all of my lifting in and try my hardest to eat as much protein as I can.

I will be honest I feel like by the end of the week, my sink is full of dishes, my laundry is piling up, and I haven’t sat down to eat a meal with my daughter all week.  There are somedays that I wonder if things would be easier if I was home more, but then I couldn’t get my workouts in.  I am sure each one of us has thought about the things that we could get done if we put those things first before ourselves.  I am trying to find a balance and not feel like my weekend is my vacation from my workout week.

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4% is all the time it takes

This is the part of my week that I have been struggling with and I continue to struggle with.  Thursday has become my day off, and so has Friday and it is not a good habit.  I feel like on Thursday I owe it to my daughter to cook dinner, to study for spelling, and read to her, to let her take a shower and get her hair brushed at home.  However, my mother pointed something out to me, she said you should workout on Thursday, because Natalie is already at the gym, so next week I am committing to getting myself to the gym on Thursday and getting my work out done. (Holy run on sentence, ps I’m not an english major!!)

My eating goes really well during my work week and like my workouts you give me an inch and I take a mile.  I fall off the journaling wagon, I skip breakfast, I don’t have a plan.  I am human and I am willing to admit where I am short changing myself and it is Thursday and Friday.  So here is a question, if you can identify the problem what is the plan of action and where is the accountability?  I am sure when Heather reads this, I will get some ideas of how to get over this two day slump, but it is a problem.  People I need ideas, got any?

I feel like my diet has been pretty decent, but with anything there is always room for improvement.  My goal for this week coming is to commit to my 6 days of working out and consistant journal keeping.  Self discipline that is what I am lacking right?

Calories burned:  GOOSE EGG THURSDAY & FRIDAY (hmmm that is a wake up call)

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Kick boxing…UGH

Wednesday’s workout at the hill was kick boxing.  I tried to keep a positive outlook, because I have never really kick boxed before, so maybe I will love it…  All I kept thinking is how many times Heather has looked at me when we are doing something and says, “You’ve never kick boxed before have you.”  That can’t be a good sign.  I already know that my hip flexers are super tight and side kicks are a challenge for me, but I can only get better, RIGHT??

It was a pretty demanding workout.  I get a liTtle lost when she starts doing combinations quick, but I tried to stay focused and the night flew by.  I didn’t sweat as much as I usually do, but I feel like I worked hard.  Hopefully we will stick with it long enough that I can get better at it.  I still have a hard time ” engaging my core” during the exercises, so I will add that to my list of things to work on!!

Calories burned : 490

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Tree Hugger

I was pretty excited when I saw Heather’s post about doing a mini tribute to the people lost on 911 during HIIT tonight, I think it is important to reflect on the things that have effected our lives and the lives of others.  I headed to the gym and caught the last half of Natalie’s Tae Kwan Do and then hurried her into changing to go to open swim.  Some days I start to feel bad about the shuffling around I do to her on Tuesday, but it works I guess.

I did my warm up and headed into the weight room.  Tuesday is my legs day, but to be honest, my legs were pretty sore from Monday’s workout, so I decided to bust out shoulders, chest & biceps with a little help from some of my friends!!  I felt pretty strong until the fourth set of ” tree huggers.”  It’s always nice when your form isn’t 100% to know that even your trainers boyfriend will correct you 🙂 They are always lookin out, thanks Brian.  “Like your hugging a tree!!”  Really who hugs trees?

Headed down to HIIT and core and got a good calories burn.  Overall felt pretty good about what I accomplished at the gym, just wish the end of my week was as focused.

Calories burned: 727

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